Today may just be a good day. I actually have peace and quiet (despite 4 kids under the age of 2 in the house.) Considering my scant 3 hours of sleep last night, this is a major relief. I wasn't looking forward to another morning of incessant noise. For the first time in two weeks, we are all sitting around peacefully playing and reading books.
It has been trying around here lately. Glenna came down with a double ear infection and a sinus infection Wednesday night. She ran a fever of 102 for several days and was extremely irritable and tired. (Not a good combination when I myself am irritable and tired.) We have been competing ever since for the title of "crankiest girl in the house".
I finally hit the wall last night. After another crazy weekend with a nursing infant and a whiny toddler, I ended up in my recliner at 8 p.m. holding one in each arm while tears ran uncontrollably down my face. I was finally able to define the way I've been feeling: I am exhausted from always caring for someone else. I tried and tried to remember the last time I did something remotely social without one or both of them along, and I couldn't. I have had a few "social" activities in the last few months, and spent all of them nursing Levi in a corner, chasing Glenna around, or both. The few times I left one or both of them with Justin or my mom, it has been to do something for someone else. (I've set up for a church dinner, bridal shower, and baby shower; shopped for groceries, and taught an AWANA's class. Those are the extent of my times away from the kids.)
Yesterday, I had new plants that my mom bought me and nice weather. I wanted some time to spend planting and finishing up the landscaping while Levi was sleeping. Now, I am not a person who enjoys gardening- I never understood why women found gardening therapeutic until I had kids. Now I understand. If it takes you out of the house and provides peace and quiet for even a short time, it's heavenly. I would have preferred to do my gardening without watching Glenna the whole time, but she was cranky, so I figured being outside would cheer her up too. I managed to get the plants in the ground and the weeds pulled before Levi started fussing. I thought I'd feed him and get back out. It's never that easy. He took forever to settle down and then Glenna needed dinner. By the time I went back outside, I had about half an hour of twilight left. Just enough time to spread the rock. ...Except that the tire was flat on the wheelbarrow. I already had the paper spread in preparation for the river rock and didn't want it to blow away, so I desperately transferred rock across the yard one shovelful at a time while Justin took the tire to air up and it got darker and darker. By the time he got back and could help me, it was too dark to see and I had to leave the project to finish another day. By then, the tears had started.
After the kids were diapered, changed, read to, nursed, and both in bed, I explained to Justin why I was so down. It's a little sad that I was looking forward to that project all weekend, but it was the one thing I planned to do for myself and by myself. He tries to understand how I feel, but he has a minimum of one night a week of social activity away from the kids (with the guys in the band). Plus, in the 6 weeks since Levi was born, he's had a day of golf with a friend and a day at a college football game with his dad.
The crazy thing is that I feel guilty after all the time I spend with them to leave them with him or someone else. I have this feeling of responsibility that I can't shake- that they're my responsibility (not ours), and I'm not being a good mother to pawn them off on someone else. Where did this come from?! Is it because I'm a stay-at-home mom, and they are my "job" (and he already has a full-time job of his own)? Is it some insanely high expectation I've set for myself? As if that isn't bad enough, I feel terribly guilty for even wanting time away from them. I'm supposed to be cherishing these years, right? They fly by too quickly, the kids grow up and leave you, and you've got all the "me" time you want. That's what I keep thinking- that by wanting a break, I'm not being thankful for the incredible blessings I've been given or I'm not appreciating this fleetingly short time with them at this age. Anyone else know how I feel? Some days I just dream of taking a walk with a friend for exercise with no wagons, slings, or strollers.
To top it all off, we may have missed our opportunity to take a date night for our wedding anniversary (it's tomorrow). We figured we'd leave the kids with my parents on Saturday and use a pair of free movie passes we've been saving. Unfortunately, we didn't plan ahead very well. We should have gone last weekend. My parents are going to Colorado and will be gone the next two weekends. Weeknights are just too complicated with everyone working. We can't afford a babysitter. We even tried his parents- no go. Don't know when we'll get to celebrate. It may be a while. In the meantime, Justin says he understands my need for a break and will try to give me the time I need. So... anyone want a girl's night?
